While your friends may have lots of wedding ring pictures stored on Pinterest and the complete inspiration for all aspects of their dream wedding, you are on the sidelines, trying not to show your concern because you are not ready to get married. If you are in a long-term, positive relationship but do not seem to be taking the next step, it may be time to assess your frustration, even if you cannot pinpoint why you may not feel the strong urge to start. the road to marriage. While it is true that legal marriage is not necessary for every couple if your partner raises the issue and is shocked by what is expected, finding the things you agree on and going to the same page may be the only way to maintain your relationship.
Here’s why you might not be prepared for the wedding — and, more important, what you should do about it.
Because you do not want the same things, you may not be ready for marriage.
No doubt you have a basic idea of what you would like to have in the next few years – or decades – of your life. Maybe you visit at least a dozen countries, get that promotion or start your own business, and have kids. However, when you are in love, your goals are not just yours; and they are part of a shared future that you create together. When your desires and the desires of your partner conflict, sex and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST says that conflict will arise, eroding the sense of happiness forever.
“The main reason married couples need counsel is that they have different relationship and life values, such as roles, children, and gender.” He says: “Many people ignore the fact that their partners do not live up to their expectations. “I’ve seen so many marriages where one partner wants more children or the other doesn’t. At this point in a marriage, the choice is either one person must agree, the couple must reach an agreement, or the marriage must be dissolved so that one or both partners can achieve their proper goals. When discussing sex, it is important to talk about it in advance, especially for those who have never lived together before marriage. If you expect your partner to be equally involved in cleaning the house, even if he or she has someone to do it for him or her, he or she may not be diligent in regular cleaning because it has not happened to him or her yet. Talking things out in a friendly manner can help you to solve problems or to see if you are ready for marriage. ”
You may not be ready because you do not feel connected
Intimacy, as described, is not just the magic you do between the sheets and your spouse, but also the level of emotional vulnerability you share with them, which allows you to be completely and truly personal. Even if you live under the same roof, couples who stay together for a long time and begin to drift away may feel a kink in their connection, making them feel distant from each other. You may be reluctant to buy a diamond ring because of your discomfort. “When couples feel that their needs are being met or that their partners are not taking steps to solve long-standing problems, they may find it difficult to communicate in a deep and meaningful way, emotionally and sexually,” explains licensed marriage counselor and family member Marissa Nelson, LMFT, CST. When you fight over love, attention, and communication both inside and outside the room, you worry about whether the marriage will be a happy one, and you may wonder if the relationship will last. ”
You may not feel good because you really value independence – or you do not want to get married.
For some people, the real act of marriage is scary, not having a partner. Many of these ideas stem from widespread misunderstandings about what it means to be a wife or husband, a practice Nelson says prevents some people from accepting the proposal. “They are afraid that they will be forced to give up control of their lives and the opportunity to live on their own in order to‘ compromise ’in marriage and turn themselves into someone else. This raises fears about the idea of putting lives together, moving out of the home, or raising money, all of which seem to be a huge commitment and deprive others of their space and freedom, ”he said.
Another reason you can avoid going downhill if you do not feel like you are fully living your independent life right now. This could be a bucket list item such as traveling, reaching a specific career milestone, paying a student loan, or graduating from a medical or medical school. Whatever the case, Nelson points out that many people are distracted by the pursuit of marriage and a deep love for each other. “Because of the responsibilities of pursuing their own interests, dedication may seem limited. “For people in this situation, the marriage may seem restrictive, and they may feel incapable of intervening unless certain goals or expectations are met,” she says.
First, examine these feelings in therapy
So, what do you do if you are convinced that you do not want to get married anytime soon and that you are not ready? Before you tell your colleague the news, Christy Whitman, a relationship specialist and mentor, suggests that you first resolve your internal conflicts to understand why you feel this way. “There are a variety of problems that can cause doubts, and when you can clearly explain them to your spouse, the task will be easier. Decide which camp is most relevant to you in advance, and make sure your spouse knows this. “He will reduce the likelihood that he will do his own thing and take his feelings for granted.